Minecraft Songfiction: Screw the Nether
by eak60
Summary: Just like the title says; a Minecraft songfic of "Screw the Nether," by the Yogscast. Rated T for some violence and language. Oneshot (obviously :P)!


**Hey, guys! It's me again, and I got bored of writing Blocks of War, so I started this up to get my mind off it for a bit. Don't worry, I will still continue BoW, as it is my main series, but every once and a while I will do these things where I take a Minecraft song off of YouTube and write a story behind the lyrics. I call it songfiction! Heh? No? Okay…**

**ANYWAY, these will all be oneshots, and I will start taking some requests after I get some songs out I want to write. This will be a story of "Screw the Nether" by the Yogscast, obviously :P ANYWAY, let's start this thang!**

**Minecraft Songfiction:**

**Screw the Nether**

**Lyrics:**

_**It's deep underground,  
past the bedrock.  
But don't dig straight down,  
you'll regret that!**_

_**But now you feel brave,  
equipped with your spade,  
to roam in these caves…**_

_**Not looking for gold;  
this stuff's purple,  
or so I've been told  
By some people!**_

_**I'll find a few bricks  
where the two of these mix.  
With a couple of clicks,**_

_**I'll be swingin' my pick!**_

_**This is all the prep that I go through,  
even if my tools are just make-do**_

_**Moving to the Nether,  
I'm moving to the Nether!  
I'm moving tooooooooo the Nether!**_

_**Ten blocks is the magical total,  
as that's enough to build up my portal**_

_**Moving to the Nether,  
I'm moving to the Nether!  
I'm moving tooooooooo the Nether!**_

_**Welcome to Hell,  
Weather's great here!  
So, pull up a chair,  
have a cold beer!**_

_**You can live by the sea,  
so happy you'll be,  
with your cobblestone tree…**_

_**Oh!**_

_**The neighbors aren't bright;  
they're delicious!  
We eat bacon all night,  
it's nutritious!**_

_**Hear all of them squeal  
from the damage I deal,  
there's plenty to steal!**_

_**Hack and slash!**_

_**Gold nuggets? I'm rich!**_

_**Who cares if we're giving up sunlight?!  
Glowstone's all we need  
to keep things bright**_

_**Down here in the Nether,  
We love it in the Nether!  
You'll love it iiiiiiiin the Nether!**_

_**Don't expect to see any creepers;  
That's one of my favorite features**_

_**Down here in the Nether,  
We love it in the Nether!  
You'll love it iiiiiiiin the Nether!**_

_**You've gotta know  
you have to fight!  
Learn to play, there's mobs but it's not right!**_

_**A wooden sword won't do it;  
they're gonna blast right through it!  
You got a potion, use i-iiiiiit!**_

_**So watch your back,  
I won't warn you twiiice!  
Fight the Ghasts;**_

_**Ooooooooh!  
Make me cry!**_

_**They'll shoot the ground around you,  
making holes to fall through.  
You know you're probably going to**_

_**Fall- back- and- die!**_

_**(In the lava again!)**_

_**Feels like hell the things I've just been through!  
Won't believe a word when I tell you**_

_**Know what, screw the Nether!  
You know what, screw the Nether!  
You know what, screeeeeeeew the Nether!**_

_**Can't believe I lost my new gear too!  
Think I'd better come and rejoin you**_

_**Know what, screw the Nether!  
You know what, screw the Nether!  
You know what, screeeeeeeew the Nether!**_

_**That's it! I'm sick of this place! It sucks! It's too hot, it never rains! I'm sweaty! All my clothes are dirty and filthy and on fire! I'm absolutely sick of this place! Uhm, I miss nature, all the pigs and the cows and all that the sheep n' stuff. I didn't think I'd miss it, but I really do! Oh my god! How sad, I wish I wish I could just return to the normal world again…**_

_**Bye!**_

**XXX**

Life is boring. I've done it all! I've conquered the overworld! I have chests of recourses, all the food a guy could ask for, I live in a freaking mansion for Notch's sake! I want something else- something new. I want to start over.

I decided that there was nothing else to do, so I walked over to one of my many bookshelves and pulled out a volume at random. It was entitled: "The Nether: Minecraftia's Hell." I turned the cover page and dozens of pictures entered my line of sight. Burning cliffs hung over never ending seas of lava. Fortresses made of maroon stone towered over the vast landscape. Glowing rocks hung from the ceiling, illuminating the fiery paradise below them. This was what I wanted. This is what would get me out of this rut. I decided that I was going to go there.

According to the book, the Nether was a dimension deep underground, far past the bedrock of the overworld. You couldn't get there by digging; you would fall into the void if lava hadn't done you in first. The dimension was only accessible by portal.

In the book, it said that I would need to build a fourteen block obsidian frame and light the inside of it on fire to construct a nether portal. The corners didn't have to be obsidian, so that made ten. Fortunately, I had some flint and steel handy, but I was fresh out of the purple rock that was necessary. I would have to go mine some up. I quickly grabbed a diamond pickaxe, stone shovel, and a wooden sword from a random chest and walked outside.

I approached my mineshaft, equipped with my spade, and went underground.

Roaming around through a series of caverns, I found nothing of use to me. The walls were littered with coal and iron, with the occasional vein of lapis or gold. _I'm not looking for gold! _I thought to myself, resisting the urge to claim the shiny substance. I delved deeper into the cave in hopes of finding the purple rock deeper underground.

After a few more minutes of walking around lava level, I found a whole patch of obsidian. "Yes!" I thought out loud. It was covered in water, however, so I had to plug up the source which luckily wasn't too far away. I also had to be careful not to fall into lava, because all of the blocks I needed were located directly on top of the hot stuff. Obsidian is formed when water and lava mixed, so these situations weren't uncommon. Nonetheless, I managed to get a hold of ten blocks without much trouble.

When I got back to the surface, I began constructing my portal immediately. Using some spare cobblestone for the corners and my newly acquired obsidian for the rest, the frame was complete. Now all to do was light it with my flint and steel. I pulled out the two rocks from my pocket and struck the lighter one with the darker. Sparks flew everywhere, and one managed to hit the inside of the frame. All of a sudden, a purple void appeared inside the frame. The portal was complete.

I never went back to my house to load up on gear, as I was too eager to embark on the journey that awaited me. "Well, this is it," I said matter-of-factly. "I'm moving to the nether!" With that, I straightened my back, puffed up my chest, and stepped in.

**XXX**

"Welcome to Hell!" was the greeting I got when I stepped out of the portal.

I was starring at a middle-aged man with glasses standing on top of a hill made of foreign red stone surrounded by deadly lava holding his arms up in greeting. Interesting first impression. Nonetheless, I walked up to the man, who introduced himself as Xephos the spaceman. He confirmed that we were, in fact, in the nether, and decided to show me around. He had this nifty little cobblestone house overlooking a lava lake, and he offered for me to shack up with him, which I gladly accepted. I decided to build a tree, but since I lacked the leaves, I made it out of cobblestone. It was a little reminder of home, to prevent me from getting homesick, but in this place I doubt that would be happening any time soon!

When I was done with the tree, Xephos "_introduced_" me to the neighbors. They were these ugly little things- what looked like to be the results of a zombie and a pig in an experiment gone horribly wrong. Luckily, we didn't have time to befriend these repulsive creatures, because Xephos was too busy chopping them to pieces. I gladly took part in the sport, hacking and slashing away with my wooded sword, which somehow managed to slay the beasts wielding golden ones. Once I had done away with a few, I checked one's corpse to see what my rewards would be. There was the regular rotten flesh and junk, but there seemed to be something shiny sticking out of his ribcage. I pulled the substance out; it was about the size of your little toe, and examined it. Through all the blood and dirt, it was a golden color, and it was shining despite all the grime.

"Gold nuggets?" I pondered out loud. Yes, gold nuggets! That had to be it! "Wholy crap! I'm rich!" I snagged a few more from the other pigmen I had slain and headed back to my new cobblestone house.

When we got inside, Xephos cooked us up some _bacon_ for dinner (which was just rotten flesh shoved in a furnace), which tasted surprisingly good. After that, I counted my loot. I had collected 13 nuggets that day alone. If I keep it up at this rate, I would be the richest man alive back in the overworld! Considering that I even _do_ go back to the overworld. This place is great! We may not have the sun, but all the glowstone on the ceiling keeps things at a perfect brightness! We don't have to worry about monsters spawning at night either, there is no night here! There is no need to sleep, either; your body somehow adjusts here so that you don't need any rest!

Another perk of the Nether is the lack of creepers. I _hated_ those things back up top, always blowing up your precious builds, and once in a while, items! Down here, all you have to worry about is the pigmen, and they are much too dull to pose any kind of a threat.

So yeah, life down here is pretty much awesomeness on a stick. You should come visit us sometime- you'll _love_ it in the Nether!

**XXX**

That night, or what I supposed to be as night, we got a visitor. After a series of knocks on the door, Xephos got up and opened it to a rambunctious dwarf. He had an orange beard and a Viking's hat, and his clothes were charred in many places (Not the important ones, thank Notch), and he had smudges on his face and hands. He looked like he had just escaped a bombing.

As soon as he stepped in the door, he started screaming bloody murder. "Run!" he shouted. "They're coming!" As soon as he said this, Xephos' face turned grim. He grabbed my arm and led me out the door. As soon as we hit netherrack, we were running as fast as our legs would carry us. I still didn't know what for, but if it could make Xephos and the dwarf this scared, then it could not be pretty.

A minute or so later, we came across a small cave and piled inside to take a rest. Xephos quickly introduced me to the dwarf, whose name turned out to be Honeydew. I explained my story to him, and asked him what exactly we were running from. "Don't be fooled, boy," Honeydew said, "The Nether ain't nothing ta' take for granted. This here's a dangerous place. You've gotta know that you're gonna have ta' fight ta' stay alive. The mobs here, they ain't right. Ain't right at all. Wat'cha got in means of weaponry?"

I pulled the wooden sword out of my backpack. "This sword, sir," I told him.

"Mmhm," he grunted disapprovingly. "A wooden sword ain't gonna do it, boy. Them ghasts, they gonna blast right through that piece of timber! Got any potions? Ya' better chug 'em down!"

"Wait, hold up," I told him. "Ghasts? What in the Nether are those?"

"You better watch you're back boy. I ain't gonna warn 'ya twice. Ghasts are these big albino jellyfish that fly around and spit exploding balls of fire at you. When you come close to one of those things, it ain't pretty."

As if on cue, we heard some demented screaming coming from outside the cave. All of a sudden, the left wall exploded into a mass of fire and rubble. Thankfully, nobody was sitting on that wall, or they would have been done for. "Get out!" Honeydew screamed, and we gladly followed his orders.

We started running for our lives again, but this time our enemy was in close range. We were hot in pursuit by a screeching albino jellyfish, much like honeydew had described. Looking back, I could have sworn that I caught the dwarf shed a tear. We were running out of time, however. About 100 blocks away, the edge of a steep cliff approached, and I did not want to know what was on the other side.

"You guys got bows?" I yelled back at my comrades.

"Yeah," Xephos answered.

Ugh. I'm really stupid sometimes. "Great, I'll distract him; you guys go for the sneak attack!" I tried to sound confident, but my fear shown through in my voice. Honeydew gave me a queer look, but let it slide. The cliff was only 50 blocks away, now. It was now or never.

I turned around and stopped dead in my tracks. "Hey, you!" I shouted, being the hero that I was. "Yeah, you, the sorry excuse for a jellyfish!" I continued to yell at the ghast while flailing my arms around. I managed to get its attention with minimal difficulty.

"You think you're so tough, just cuz' you can fly around and shoot fireballs?!" While I held the ghast at bay, Xephos and Honeydew snuck around the monster, careful not to take its attention off of me. "Well I got news for you, big guy! I've seen you cry dozens of times already! If it pains you even to spit at us, then why are _we_ the ones running from _you?!_"

It's times like this when I'm not sure if mobs really can't understand us, because as soon as I said that, the ghast let out one of it's spit bombs. I sprinted away from the blast radius just in time, and as I made a break for nothing, I heard a sharp cry from the ghast. One of my new friends had shot him in the back! However, luckily for me, the ghast continued to trail its insulter.

Another shot was fired at the ghast, and it hit its target. The monster was on its last legs, now. I just might be able to outrun this thing! Just as I reached the edge of the cliff, the ghast took its last hit, sending the corpse spiraling down to the hard ground. Not before letting out one last fireball, however. Having nowhere to run, I just stood there in shock as the explosion destroyed the ground around my feet, sending me plummeting into the sea of fire below.

When I woke up, I surprisingly wasn't hurt that bad. I had a few slight burns, but Xephos and Honeydew had force-fed my some healing potions, which got rid of most of them. My two acquaintances had pulled my body out of the lava just in time; any longer and I would have been dead. What they didn't manage to save, however, was my backpack.

Damn it, my backpack! That thing held all of my gear! My pick, my armor, my gold nuggets…Notch, why did ghasts have to be such bastards?! It felt like hell, the things I've just been through! Well, that's that. I was done with this place. I walked back to the hose and took some TNT out of one of Honeydew's chests. I placed the explosive block all around the place, not caring what gets destroyed in the result. When I finally came to my portal, I pulled the two rocks from earlier out of my pocket. My last thought as I stepped into the portal was _Screw the Nether!_

**XXX**

**Well, that's that. Wow, the third part of that was like twice as long as the first two! That was also the most fun to write, though, so no complaints here! Alright, leave a reply to tell me how you liked it, and if you haven't heard this song, you really need to. It's really good! Look it up on YouTube, cuz I'm too lazy to link it :P Actually, I don't think you **_**can**_** link stuff in the actual fic. Well, I'm not going to link it in a review, either, **

**Wesley: GOD EAK, SHUT UP ALREADY! **

**eak: Fine, fine. Wait- why are you here?!**

**Wesley: Because you like me better than Jordan, and **_**someone**_** has to embarrass you in front of the whole internet.**

**eak: Remind me again why I like you… **

**Wesley: …**

**eak: ANYWAY, hug a moose, eat a banana, shove a potato up your ear, and GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS SONGFIC!**


End file.
